Nowhere to be Had
All the emotions from all the moments. What do we do with everything we carry, how do we heal from the really hard parts? So many parts to my story that define my every why, my every move, my every reason, those stories shaped me for today.
As a little girl, I didn't ask for what I received but there I was. Golden brown curly hair Tracy, standing to defend while hiding, in search of safety. I never knew safety. Born into a violent addict-filled family, my entire childhood was a search for safety. Everywhere I looked, everywhere I lied, I woke to an irruption of anger, violence and so many blue flashing lights throughout the years. The blue flashing lights were a common and I was a common dialer. The violence was at every corner, I feared for the day we wouldn't come out of it. I never really thought there was another way to life, this was it. It’s all I knew.
Violence. Drugs. Alcohol. Fear. Police. Guns. Abuse. Addiction. Fear. Hate. Yelling. Sadness. Crying. Fear. Running. Ridicule. Jail. Anger. Fear.
The nouns and adjectives that became my vowels. They all jumbled into one big emotion, FEAR. I remember the intense fear at the pit of my stomach, staying awake with one eye open. ALERT! The thought, "No one is safe. I must protect." Little Tracy truly believed it was her job to take watch. To rescue and jump in front of my mom as she endured the drunkenness of my dad. I wish this wasn’t a part of my who my dad was, but this was him. I lived a life of secrets. No-one can ever know, shhhh…..give them a different reason, give them an excuse. Cover the addict, clean up the addict, help the addict, fight the addict, love the addict, run from the addict, accept the addict, be understanding to the addict, forgive the addict, hide from the addict. In every escape and search for safety, we landed in another drunken mess, never finding a space to breathe. A family filled with addicts. Hotels became a constant vacation, a place I enjoyed. A moment of adventure, who doesn’t want adventure at the pool side? I asked for the hotel often. Many spontaneous “vacation” adventures to the hotel were really a hideout, running to escape. Safety was not available, nowhere to be had, safety was unknown. I naturally learned the only answer was to run.
We all, most likely, know about the Flight, Fight, Freeze and Fawn trauma responses. If you have yet to study these, I highly recommend it for anyone who has ever experienced anything difficult. Well, I was them all, I am still many of them. As an adolescent I grew to know them well, I unknowingly acted them out. Fawn and Freeze became normal as a teen and young adult, so naturally shame and guilt ate me alive. As I began to search for a life outside of everything I knew, I cleansed myself and began to slowly wake up. The 4 F-Words, still, very much a part of my life.
I would later come to understand when and how I was reacting to situations based on those four responses. Learning more about these trauma responses opened my eyes to begin my healing. Here today, I still catch myself. The fear boils, into my skin, at my toes and rises up my body. I feel it, “STOP, don’t do it, don’t run, don’t leave!”…….Running I go. Fast to catch my breath, released….breathing again. Knowingly understanding what just happened, I return and try again. Everyday is a work in progress, building hope and courage to understand that I am human and I will “fail” again. But as long as I rise up, I am winning. I will rise again, over and over, no matter how many times it takes.
This is a small teardrop of my childhood, the start of my life, the way I learned. I fought my whole life to be better to myself, attempting to avoid the repeat button. I hit repeat so many times, until I knew my life no longer deserved to be punished. I woke up and gave myself what I deserved. Love and safety, and I did that myself. Through my faith and resilience, I rise up.
