Today, I am free.

I don’t know why it overcomes me, but it does. Some days are just maddening.

Maybe you’re reading this, thinking, “What in the world happened to her? I never feel this way.” If you are one of those women that don’t struggle with mental health, or a history of abuse, I am so grateful for that. Seriously. I don’t wish any kind of madness, darkness or pain on anyone.

This pain is a thief. The shades close, the sunshine dimmers and it begins. Those days are so very difficult. I can’t tell you how many times throughout my life I’ve sat in my car sobbing, angry with life. Angry with the pain of my past, with the burden that overcomes me, with the anxiety I fight, with the anger at myself for feeling like I’ve lost again. Angry because this moment of weakness. Those weak moments I fight, I avoid them at all costs. Run in every direction except that way Tracy! But somehow it finds me.

Those difficult days are filled with shame after the storm. The anxiety of my sadness builds. Heaven forbid I share this pain, this moment with anyone. What will they say? What will they think of me Feeling so defeated and faithless. Have I now failed my own faith? Will I ever escape this? Will these visits stop? Oh, so many days alone, I’ve sat there, it is SO. HARD.

I imagine there are so many of us that go through this, right? Am I an alien? Not possible. This is the truth. My “sugar coating” is that I overcome this over and over. My sugar coating is that I still get up, I still believe in good, I still see the big picture, I still stand up. I still have a whole lot of faith.

As the day passes, and the sun rises the next day, I peep out and listen……I listen for my heart, I close my eyes and thank God. Today, I’ve escaped the burden I feared.

Today, I am free.