Have I Done Enough?

You were the king. You were everyone's first love. It was so easy loving you. Always happy, cheerful, and easy going, it was obvious you had a beautiful soul. There came a point in time where you grew older, past the stage of being the wanting to be the center of attention. Shying away from it. I'm still not sure how I feel about that, the growing older part. Have I done enough for you? I ask that everyday, you’re one of the last thoughts as I lay my head down and first as I wake. You're so unbelievably smart, loving and let's not forget goofy! Time got lost in between stages of life and you became a young man. I keep going back to the times we had, so many small moments in my heart so very big, filling all the spaces, bursting with love. Seriously, I am so incredibly blessed.

I hope that's what you remember. 

I worry that I didn’t do enough, that I could have done better. You're my oldest, my first, did I do this right? What is “right?” Did I pay enough attention? Did I teach the right philosophies? Am I expecting too much? Our relationship is special, we have a beautiful relationship. Did you know my favorite time is when you sit and talk with me, telling me all your excitments’s. I love those moments! It's not often you'll share your secrets with me, I don't expect you to. I naturally worry I haven't done enough for you. You never want to burden me so you stay quiet and work it out on your own. You did this out of thoughtfulness. “Don’t burden mama.” Ahh my son, you are no burden, ever. If you only knew how much I want to do for you, I will travel to the moon and galaxy to show you. But my question is still, have I done enough? 

My expectations are high. Is it too much? Did I hurt you raising the bar? Did I place too much pressure on you? Do you know you're free to control the life you want? I can only help teach you from my mistakes. I pray my journeys make yours easier. I hope everything I've taught you makes you understand what real love is. Maybe I did do enough? I didn't always show love the way love should be shown. My fear came from love and poured out like anger. Those times are my mistakes. My faults. My apologies. My learnings.

I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made. I'm sorry for missing moments. I always notice you. I go to bed praying for you and wake up asking Jesus to protect and guide you. I still ask, have I done enough? You, my son, are my light. You're my guide, you're my line in the sand. Grandma used to tell me, “One day you'll understand.” As you grew into this young man, I understood what she meant. The love only grows and as each day passes and you become you. You slowly seep into the distance away from mama, into a man. How beautiful you are. Your soul is incredibly bright, gentle and patient.

My darling, I can't wrap you and rock you. I can't always be there to protect you. But my heart keeps growing for you every single moment. I will always ask, have I done enough? Forgive me if I've made mistakes. Forgive me if I missed the steps. I love you my Bubba, I love you for everything you're not and everything you are.